Like at First Sight
Friends: choose your choice!
When we’re in a social setting it’s not uncommon for someone to ask my husband and I how we met. What was the time and place, the circumstances that brought us together? Was it love it first sight?1 I’d wager a guess that if you’re in a committed relationship, or have been, you, too, have recounted at some point how you became an “us.” These stories, the stories of the initial interactions with the person who will become our romantic partner are foundational: they distill our attraction, describe our unique connection, confirm our singular dynamic, and invite contemplation and nostalgia.
A couple of weeks ago I visited Wren in Arizona. It had been a couple of years since we’d seen each other in person. She showed me around her little town and introduced me to her local friends, shop keepers, and favorite haunts: “this is my friend Pidge, she’s visiting from Idaho.” Inevitably, whomever I was meeting wanted to know how Wren and I knew each other and I was reminded, of course, friends have origin stories too! And the retelling, to others, to ourselves, can remind us of what brought us together in the first place, and why our friendship has endured.
“The electiveness of friendship, coupled with its usual absence of romantic love, means that in friendship, we are free to choose relationships based on pure compatibility. British author C.S. Lewis once said, “Eros [romantic passion] will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.” …When choosing friends, we are freer to prioritize the truest markers of intimacy, such as shared values, trust, admiration of each other’s character, or feelings of ease around each other.” Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make-and Keep-Friends by Marisa G. Franco, PhD
It was 2007, I had finished grad school in the Midwest and at 30-years-old, floundering around in a low-paying job. My boyfriend at the time took a job in Tucson, a place I had never been, and frankly, had never considered moving. I looked around online and found a job posting at the Tucson Botanical Gardens. I sent my resume to the hiring manager: Wren. A phone interview got me the job and a few weeks later I packed up my stuff and moved to the desert. On my first day I walked into the garden and met my new best friend for the first time. Our connection was instant; I knew immediately that we would be friends. She was warm and generous, ambitious, creative, intuitive, witty. She was 24, fiercely independent and mature beyond her years, and yet she maintained an almost feral wildness. I was attracted to her complexity, her intellect, her humor, her artistry. Nearly 20 years later, I still am!2
What are the origin stories of your friendships? In this month’s Two-Gether Time we’re reminding and remembering how and why we came to be friends. Pick a friend and invite them to reminisce with you about the lucky moment you met, what your first impressions were, what inspired you to choose each other. Wren has designed a Chatter Catcher based on the “Cootie Catcher,” a paper fortune teller game from childhood. Print it out and use it to spur the conversation between you and your friend. There is also a blank version you can fill with your own questions – get specific, get nostalgic, and celebrate your shared history!
We like to say Dave and I met “on wine.” He introduced himself as “Dave from High School” at a wine festival. Unfortunately, I did not recognize him, as we had been out of high school for over 20 years. I was dismissive, honestly, sort of rude, but I followed up with a Facebook message once I’d placed him, and we made a date to catch up over a beer. Meet? Cute!
No surprise, the boyfriend lasted mere weeks.